


Eren Jaeger Goes to the Moon

by pengiesama



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, Multi, Space Flight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-07
Updated: 2013-09-07
Packaged: 2017-12-25 22:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/958320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pengiesama/pseuds/pengiesama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren and friends go to the moon to collect vital ingredients for an experimental titan-killing superweapon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eren Jaeger Goes to the Moon

Humanity had made so many sacrifices, with so little to show – mountains of blood and bone and masticated corpses, and yet they were still trapped within the walls, no better off than they were five, ten, a hundred years before. Was there truly no other way to purge the titans from the earth?

It had taken years, years of painstaking, hopeless research. But with the addition of Armin’s mind to Hanji’s research team, and the addition of Eren’s body to her testing data, there shone a ray of hope.

“…and so, as the data shows, titans have a horrible weakness to moon apples.” Hanji hurled the piece of chalk she was writing with across the room, and beamed proudly at the members of the conference. “As proud members of the Scouting Legion, we will scout out these moon apples, and return triumphant!”

The military conference’s chairman nodded thoughtfully, fingers tented. “The data is inarguable. But how do you propose to reach the moon? I’m afraid we cannot provide a great deal of funding, as we’re saving up to provide all Military Police-members personal dirtbikes.”

“They put together a dirtbike petition,” another chairperson rasped. “If there’s a way to say no to those adorable little faces, I don’t want to hear it.”

Hanji adjusted her glasses, and smiled enigmatically. “Don’t concern yourself. The Scouting Legion has its ways.”

-

“Off you go into the spaceship!” Hanji trilled. She shoved a picnic basket into Eren’s hands, and gave his forehead a loud, smacking kiss. “We packed you snacks, but be back before dinner!”

“S-squad leader, may I be so bold as to question the choice of, um, propulsion, for the craft–”

“It’s _fine_ ,” Hanji assured, hustling Armin into the spaceship’s wicker basket cockpit. “Balloons are economical! Now, Mikasa, are you good with keeping an eye on these little scamps while you all go apple-hunting?”

“Yes,” Mikasa said, simply. She raised the hand holding two child leashes, to demonstrate. Armin shuddered. Mikasa didn’t often consider him a child leash candidate, but when she did…

“…gonna get so many fucking apples, gonna raid the whole fucking moon and cram them down the titans’ filthy fucking throats, gonna watch as they gag and seize and die on them, gonna…” Eren mumbled to himself, mouth contorted in a rictus smile, hands shaking in excitement as he held the picnic basket. He was clearly looking forward to the trip.

“Have fun!” Hanji waved them off as their craft lifted into the skies. “Remember the driving directions I told you – straight up, then straight down! Bring back them apples!”

Somewhere, in the distance, Annie Leonhart was pulling off sick wheelies on her new dirtbike.

-

The trip was surprisingly uneventful, and the balloonship made gentle touchdown on the moon’s surface. Mikasa dutifully tied it to a nearby tree to keep it from floating away during their expedition, but alas – this particular tree did not appear to be apple-bearing. She yanked on Eren’s leash to stop him in his attempt to run shrieking in a random direction to search, and hoisted Armin onto her shoulder. He’d collapsed into a fit of sobbing the second he’d laid eyes on the earth in the distance. He flailed frantically for Eren’s hand, and when it was granted, he began howling anew about the beauty of the blue marble before them, drifting so serenely in the dark glittering sea. This of course got Eren sobbing too, and screaming fanatical promises of mass-murder and vows to show him the world, shining, shimmering, splendid.

This trip was far too over-stimulating for the two of them, Mikasa decided as she dragged them along. Once they had collected an acceptable amount of apples, they would all go straight home and she would enforce an early naptime.

Soon, they happened upon an orchard of apple trees. Mikasa tied Armin and Eren’s leashes to a tree and let them cling together to cry it out. She approached a promising-looking tree, its limbs heavy with fruit, and gave it a mighty spin-kick. A bounty of apples pattered to the ground, as did a mustached man in robes. Mikasa ignored him in favor of the apples.

“What ho!” bellowed the man, pointing at Mikasa with one hand, twirling his mustache in the other. “Who is this creature that pilfers the sacred moon-fruit?”

“Hey! Did you just call my sister a ho, fucker?” Eren snarled, showing a brief moment of lucidity in his and Armin’s cry-fest.

“I-it’s an archaic expression of surpriiiiiiiiiise,” wailed Armin, eager to educate even in the midst of severe emotion. “Even the air tastes different here, and my steps are so light, and oh god, there are stars, there are _stars everywhere_ –”

The moon-man attempted to snatch Mikasa’s burlap apple-sack, and she sent him flying across the landscape with a kick. Armin was, as always, correct regarding differences in weight on their current terrain. A great cheer went out, and dozens of other moon-people rushed from hiding to kneel at Mikasa’s feet.

“You have saved us from our foul oppressor!” they cried. “We hail you as our savior!”

“I see,” Mikasa said. She held out her burlap sack. “Give me apples.”

“Anything! Anything and everything for the savior of moonkind!”

The moon-people set to work, whistling a cheery tune, and filling sack after sack with apples. A quintet of moon-maidens approached Eren and Armin with bowls heaped with jewelry and grooming supplies, and began to beautify their savior’s companions.

Soon, Mikasa was leading the moon-people back to the balloonship – or rather, she was being carried there via palanquin, a thoroughly tarted-up Eren and Armin on either side of her, and was flanked by moon-people carrying dozens of apple-sacks. But alas, they were met with a grim surprise when they reached their craft. The moon-people gasped and cowered.

The evil moon-man’s mustached fluttered him down to the surface like wings, and he cackled as he brandished a pair of moon-scissors. “You may have the sacred fruit, and the people on your side,” he chortled, moving to snip the rope binding the balloonship to the surface. “But how will you return home without your pathetic–”

Armin beaned the moon-man with an apple before he even finished speaking. He was always so suspicious of individuals with facial hair after the Trost incident. A barrage of apples followed, hurled by the newly-encouraged moon-people. Soon, the evil moon-man lay unconscious under a pile of fruit, his mustache twitching worthlessly. Eren leapt from the palanquin, his puffy moon harem pants jingling with every step. He seized the man’s moon scissors and used them to shear the foul mustache from his face.

He raised the shorn mustache above his head, and bellowed a war cry to the cheering crowd.

“Live free!” he screamed.

He then proceeded to stab the moon-man in the chest seventeen times. Mikasa tsked. Very over-stimulated. It was definitely naptime when they got back.

-

They stepped off the balloonship and were greeted immediately by Levi spraying them with a fire hose. Luckily, the books and scrolls Armin had been gifted from the moon-people survived the assault, but the moon-makeup that had been so delicately painted onto Eren and Armin’s faces did not.

“Don’t know what you little fuckers got up to up there,” Levi said, regarding them with a beady, suspicious look from over his face mask. “Hand the apples over to Hanji so I can disinfect your shitty-ass ship.”

Hanji accepted their haul with eager excitement. “Great job! Nice pants, too!” She dug around in her desk for a moment, and produced a massive gun. “Before I let you kids go wash up after your big day, I figured I’d let you be the first to try out the applezooka. Just head up onto the top of the wall, aim at one of the titans, and let ‘er rip!”

Mikasa considered the gun for a moment. She supposed naptime could wait for a half-hour longer; Eren and Armin did look so very excited about it.

Atop the wall, Mikasa took careful aim at a titan roaming so far below, and pulled the applezooka’s trigger. The titan exploded into a mess of fleshy giblets and glitter. There was a long, slow moment as they waited to see if the titan would regenerate from the blast, but soon, there was nothing but steam coming from a charred corpse. Mikasa gave a brief, appreciative nod, and then moved to drag Eren and Armin off by the scruffs of their necks.

With humanity saved, it was time for naps.


End file.
